No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-11-14 - 12:06 p.m.

jewelry rant, followed by job rant, followed by ShyGirl confusion

I can't seem to organize my thoughts this morning. So be warned.

Of all the commercials I hate (and there are quite a few of them, including the "I wouldn't shop at your store if my life depended on it because of that freaky lady in the big glasses" Old Navy commercials) right now it's Kay Jewelers. Why? "Every kiss begins with Kay". That is the stupidest, most arrogant, most inane slogan I've ever heard. Relationships should not be based on purchases of jewelry. Look at my parents and their family for a second. Dad buys EvilStepMom boulder-sized diamonds, and she supplies him with nooky and a minimum of her mindless blather. That's a terrible relationship. Mom, who never got enough jewelry out of Dad to fit her whacked out midwest sensibilities, buy scads of jewelry for herself, and gripes about it at every opportunity. BastardUncle buys ridiculous amounts of jewelry for BitchAunt, and she walks around half the time looking like she's been gold plated. By the names I chose for them, you can guess my feelings about them. They live the epitome of what Mom's whacked midwestern sensibilities say is the life you should live. To me it looks empty, fatuous, and sad.

What I'm saying here is that diamond marketers have tried very hard to create a perception in this country that if your man doesn't buy you expensive jewelry, then he doesn't love you. So I guess all those living below the poverty line, but happily married, they're just living a lie, huh? It's ridiculous, and in my recently reacquired poverty, it rankles.

Part of the reason this is bugging me is that I'm going out with ShyGirl tonight. For sushi. Which I love. But which is expensive. I can't really afford sushi right now. ShyGirl is the one who suggested we get together for sushi. She said she'd buy me sushi. Which is very generous of her, but kind of unsettling for me. Who wants their first date with someone (that is if it is a date, which I'm not entirely sure, but that's a whole other topic) to have "nice guy, but too poor to pony up for his own dinner" tacked on at the end of it. It's not a chivalry thing (cause by the code of chivalry, knights weren't allowed to accumulate much money, so there), or a traditional gender roles thing. It's strictly an ego thing.

ShyGirl mentioned the other night that she thought it was amazing that I'd been unemployed so long and still kept such a strong sense of identity. It's both true, and a frightening thought.

True because I don't define myself by my job. Or I won't until my job becomes acting. I have a new goal, and new way to think of myself, and I won't ever again define myself by the nine to five. I didn't like who I was when I was there. Not saying I was a bad guy, but I spent too much of that time unhappy and unsatisfied.

Frightening because so many people do define themselves that way. Mom can't seem to define herself any other way. She spent so much of her life putting Wife and Mother ahead of her career. After the divorce she was kind of adrift for a while. Now she puts Job way up in the list, and it's not always healthy. As for Dad, he's been a workaholic my whole life. When I think about it, one of my strongest images of Dad is sitting at our kitchen table working while the rest of the family was hanging out, watching TV, whatever.

I'm getting very nervous about money, because it is an important part of my sense of self-worth to be able to support myself. I'm an adult now, I don't need anyone to take care of me. But I'm so, so, *so* very loathe to get back into any kind of job situation that will make me feel the way I did for the past couple of years.

I dunno.

I guess I'm also just up in the air over the ShyGirl thing. Again, I'll say I don't know her all that well, and I'm not completely convinced that the Vibe-O-Meter is going to go off the scales. But the situation is just weird to me. There's no clear-cut plan of action. I'm tired of uncertainty and complications in this field of my life.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm still hoping for DreamGirl. But I haven't seen even a speck on the horizon for a while.


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