2001-08-11 - 9:07 p.m.

wallowing, wallowing, wallowing

my computer works. yay.

i just got home from the annual clam bake at HL's place. i stayed all of thirty minutes. tons of people i don't know, HL too busy to chat, me feeling tired and depressed.

HeroMan just called and invited me out to WashPark Grill. CD, and her fam and maybe eRoommate. i don't think i'll go. i should go. i should hang with my friends. i shouldn't give in to this urge to be alone all the time.

i won't get over my funk by cutting myself off from my support network.

GerbilMan just called to invite me out too. again with the i don't wanna.

at the very least i should work on BigSis's site tonight, or do something productive.

instead i think i'm just gonna hang with the captain.

i don't know what my deal is. maybe i should get a therapist.

i dunno.

angst a-plenty here. free for the taking. enough to squash any joy. enough to wallow in for days, weeks, months.

at the clam bake i talked to DD's brother. he's still unemployed (he told me that about 10 times). i hate my job, but the job market is not too good these days. DD i unemployed now too. i'm soooo glad i didn't take that job working with her. she makes the worst career decisions, and keeps trying to drag me along.

i should go out again. really i should. honest. it would be better for me.

sometimes pain is more attractive than life. sometimes you just gotta wallow.

sometimes i lie to myself.

tonight is all of those times.