No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-11-26 - 10:46 a.m.

My gift to the wind

Okay, one last entry before Vegas. (Vegas baby, Vegas)

I went out and had a real date with ShyGirl last night. She was wicked tired. So tired that I offered to drive her home, and then when she refused, offered to follow her home to make sure she'd be okay, and when she refused that, asked her to call me when she got home so I wouldn't worry. She was crazy tired, but she hung in there anyway, and I appreciate that.

We went and had sushi again (which is getting pretty spendy) and then went to the Cruise Room for desert.

I don't know if I registered on her Vibe-o-meter (though I nearly capped out the Dork-o-meter, I'm sure), but I'm feeling some definite vibe on my end. I'm really digging her.

The nicest thing at the moment, is that whenever I think to say something, and then stop myself, a moment later I just go ahead and say it anyway. And that seems to be okay. It seems to be just fine. Which rules, really.

I'm babbling.

Here's the real deal. Last night before the date I made a conscious decision to throw caution to the wind in terms of my emotions. I'm not going to edit myself. I'm going to allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel, and then let the chips fall where they may.

It's probably stupid. Come to think of it.

See, it just occurred to me that I've been in a similar situation once before. Sure, there were some significant differences, but I was still getting into a relationship with someone who'd just been through a break up (let's call her DevilGirl). In the end, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Let's put it this way. Once, a friend of mine and I were making our Devil lists. You know, top five people who are the devil, just evil incarnate, and someone you hate above all others. DevilGirl beat out Hitler and Saddam Hussein on my list.

Look, I just don't know. I know I like ShyGirl, and I wish that things weren't so complicated. I'm going to try to leave caution where it is, and trust my heart for once.

We'll see.

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