No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-12-18 - 1:28 a.m.

I have absolutely no response to that.

Today was one of those days I wish I could have back to do over again. I was up too late last night, but I forced myself to get up relatively early anyway. This prompted a mid-day nap. At the beginning of the nap, I blessed whoever invented them. At the end of the nap, I cursed same. I didn't make it to the gym. I ate a piece of cheesecake that I had resolved to throw out or save for eRoommate. I didn't make any of the phone calls I should have, return any of the emails I should have, or even set foot outside my apartment. I did do the laundry, the dishes, and select my audition monologues.

Tonight I watched the last half of Sleepless in Seattle, then all of Joe Versus the Volcano, then the first half of Sleepless in Seattle. Joe Versus the Volcano almost always puts me in a good mood. It's my one and only guaranteed comfort movie.

Except it didn't really work this time.

See, this time, it got me to thinking about Fate. Not Fate like the predetermined end to a person's life, or that kind of crap. I'm talking Fate in the realm of Romance. Because, what I realized again tonight is that movies love the idea that there is some one person out there for each of us. Someone who is Right For Us, the Perfect Mate, Made For Each Other. All that crap.

I know I've been Mr. Pessimism and Mr. Bitterness recently, but tonight, I just couldn't swallow the Fate pill. I don't buy it anymore.


Except that now I'm thinking of jo3 and Ng. He said to me recently that there's this little thing. There's this little thing where you just kind of know. And it won't work, not in the long run, if both people don't feel it. And when both people feel it, and both people just know. Then it's unlike anything else.

I trust jo3. I'd trust him with my life. Since I'm on the outside looking in, I guess I just have to take his word for it. I'm trying hard to take his word for it.

I'm trying hard to find my faith in Fate. I'm coming up empty tonight.

One more little thing. I realized that when Joe took his leap. He was already hand in hand with the right person. He didn't need to take a leap to find her. She was just there.

I'm not sure how that relates to me.

Really I don't know.

I have absolutely no response to that.

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