No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-06-03 - 1:10 p.m.

dreary day, dreary thoughts

it's a gray and dreary day outside today. my allergies are killing me and i just feel tired. i keep drinking pepsi after pepsi hoping that i can cram some energy into my body, but it isn't working.

i thought i'd get up early today and go for a bike ride first thing. instead i slept till eleven and have been sitting around reading. there are about a million things i should do today and i can't get up the enthusiasm for any of them.

at least i'm not playing diablo.

at least i'm writing.

mom and i are going to the cathedral tonight to see jo3 play. i haven't been inside a church in years, and i've never been to a catholic mass. it should be interesting. i hope that the archbishop is there. after all that jo3 has told me about him, i'd love to meet him.

i wish i could see SoccerGirl today. i need to stop obsessing. i don't really know her and if i think about her too much, she'll probably just blow me off and i'll be depressed about the whole thing. i always put too much thought into things. i overanalyze like crazy.

last night HeroMan and i were talking about the paradox of looking for a girlfriend. how when you're looking, you're less likely to find, in part because desperation is like an invisible repulsor field. and how when you're not looking is when you're more likely to find, because confidence is attractive. years ago this seemed to me like a profound revelation. like it was some secret puzzle that i could master and outwit. now it just seems like a cruel cosmic joke. the universe holding my wrists and making me slap my own face saying "why are you hitting yourself? quit it. quit it".

it comes down to i don't want to take responsibility for my failure to find a woman. it's so much easier to say that there just isn't anyone out there for me than to say that there is but i just haven't done whatever it is that's necessary to find her. of course i don't know what that is, so maybe i can't take all the responsibility.

i didn't want this to turn into a self-pity party. i want to stop this entry and play guitar for awhile. i need to do something that makes me feel good about myself.

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