2001-07-26 - 10:24 a.m.

cautionary tale

last night Mom, BigSis and I went to see Michael Flatly in "Feet of Flame".

i have never in my life seen a more washed-up, pretentious, self-indulgent, egomaniacal, ridiculous performer. BigSis and i stifled giggles through about three quarters of the show. it was amazingly bad.

the man can dance, okay, i'll grant you that. but he really needs to reign in his ego. he may, at one time, have been a sex symbol (in the slightly rarified world of irish step-dancing glory) but he is no longer. now he is ageing and fat.

i don't have the best physique in the world. i have a few extra pounds around the middle. but i at least have enough self-awareness that i don't oil up my chest and strut around without a shirt in front of hundreds of people.

in that regard he was scary and gross. BigSis and i wanted to take up a collection to buy him a friggin shirt, then make him wear it.

a woman behind us said "it's like watching the old, fat Elvis." a very apt description.

the little girl ahead of us asked her mother "are they done yet?" my thoughts exactly.

in a lot of ways he actually reminded me of William Shatner. he even came out once in a t-shirt (okay so he owned one shirt. would that he had worn it more) that had that same Kirk-in-a-fight rip on the shoulder.

BigSis and i decided that we would take this as a cautionary experience. here are the take-homes.

1. irish step dancers should not try to body-wave, swing their hips, or otherwise act slinky/sexy. ever. it's just not their strong suit.

2. if you're fat and old, admit that you're fat and old. wear shirts, not baby oil. please.

3. sometimes big-time producers are right. irish step dancers shouldn't move their arms. in the end, they look stupid. Flatly himself did more than one Elvis karate-chops. *shudder*

4. when i get to be mom's age, i'll probably love some washed-up hack, too. i'll just try to do it with dignity, and not expose my children to it.

5. when you're an aged, washed-up hack, squeeze as much income as you can out of your fading glory. it's good work while you still have it. bleed the suckers for all they're worth.

tonight i'm going to see Shawn Colvin and Lyle Lovett. it's going to be night and day from last night, i guaruntee it.