2004-03-31 - 12:18 a.m.
My Dear Beloved DLand:
There's this thing I do. I vanish. Disappear. Get swallowed up in life and rehearsals, and things, and generally just don't come around much anymore. I sometimes refer to it as becoming The Man Who Wasn't.
There's this other thing I do. After vanishing for a good long while. I reappear. Poof. The Man Who Wasn't suddenly Is Again.
This is what happens. Solitude is my safe place. So I wrap solitude around me and am comforted. Stephen Dobyns calls it "To pull into oneself as into a darkened room". That's what I do.
Then when I reappear, I am to my friends (and to you, Dear, Beloved DLand) what Weird Al's albums are to the music industry: A perpetual and never-ending comeback attempt.
So while I try to mend fences, and rebuild bridges that I've burnt in other parts of my life, I may (or may not) be showing some more of my face around here. No promises, no guarantees.
I will warn you that it likely won't be like it once was. I'm not sure I'm ready to throw everything out there again like I once did. I've become, if possible, more guarded of myself than ever. (And I could name a couple of women who would compare me to Fort Knox.)
"Losing love is like a window in your heart/Everybody sees you're blown apart." (Paul Simon -- Graceland. If you don't know who Paul Simon is, go ask your Mom.) I think I feel like I opened up too many windows. People I'd never met felt that they knew me well enough to tell me how I was screwing up. I'm all about the guestbook, but I admit I felt a little weirded out by that.
See, I'm realizing just now that I'm breaking promises. One I promised myself I'd never quote song lyrics on the site. I promised myself I wouldn't do the big "I'm sooooo over this journal thing, so see ya later" entry. (I think I skirted the line on that one.) I promised myself I wouldn't try to explain absences.
Yeah, I think part of the reason I've been gone is this just doesn't feel as comforting to me anymore. I found a little niche, a little community. Now hardly anyone is left and still updating. The clique broke apart and it's no fun hanging out in the pizza shop by yourself.
(And if I made any, I'd probably break them, anyway.)