2004-03-31 - 12:18 a.m.

No promises

My Dear Beloved DLand:

There's this thing I do. I vanish. Disappear. Get swallowed up in life and rehearsals, and things, and generally just don't come around much anymore. I sometimes refer to it as becoming The Man Who Wasn't.

There's this other thing I do. After vanishing for a good long while. I reappear. Poof. The Man Who Wasn't suddenly Is Again.

This is what happens. Solitude is my safe place. So I wrap solitude around me and am comforted. Stephen Dobyns calls it "To pull into oneself as into a darkened room". That's what I do.

Then when I reappear, I am to my friends (and to you, Dear, Beloved DLand) what Weird Al's albums are to the music industry: A perpetual and never-ending comeback attempt.

So while I try to mend fences, and rebuild bridges that I've burnt in other parts of my life, I may (or may not) be showing some more of my face around here. No promises, no guarantees.

I will warn you that it likely won't be like it once was. I'm not sure I'm ready to throw everything out there again like I once did. I've become, if possible, more guarded of myself than ever. (And I could name a couple of women who would compare me to Fort Knox.)

"Losing love is like a window in your heart/Everybody sees you're blown apart." (Paul Simon -- Graceland. If you don't know who Paul Simon is, go ask your Mom.) I think I feel like I opened up too many windows. People I'd never met felt that they knew me well enough to tell me how I was screwing up. I'm all about the guestbook, but I admit I felt a little weirded out by that.

*~*

See, I'm realizing just now that I'm breaking promises. One I promised myself I'd never quote song lyrics on the site. I promised myself I wouldn't do the big "I'm sooooo over this journal thing, so see ya later" entry. (I think I skirted the line on that one.) I promised myself I wouldn't try to explain absences.

*~*

Yeah, I think part of the reason I've been gone is this just doesn't feel as comforting to me anymore. I found a little niche, a little community. Now hardly anyone is left and still updating. The clique broke apart and it's no fun hanging out in the pizza shop by yourself.

I'll try.

No promises.

(And if I made any, I'd probably break them, anyway.)