No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2003-02-01 - 3:05 a.m.

Honesty, self-loathing, and failure

Here's the deal.

I'm not happy.

(Big shocker, I know. Someone on Diaryland complaining to their diary that they're not happy. Call Wolf Fucking Blitzer.)

But it's true. I'm not happy.

Truth be told, I'm pretty severely fucking depressed.

And that telling the truth thing. I need to work on that. I need to start telling the truth to myself.

(Voice Over class on Tuesday, my teacher says to me "You sound fake. You sound like you're trying too hard. You sound like you're giving me an *idea* of sincerity, and not sincerity." Then she says "If you're grounded in Truth, you can do anything." On a similar note, I read Stephen King's "On Writing" (great fucking book) and he said something very similar, something like "Tell what you know, and tell it truthfully, cause a reader can sniff out bullshit." Improv class on Wednesday the teacher says "Whatever you do needs to be honest. Your character has to believe it, or the audience won't believe it." So this Truth thing has been coming at me from all angles.)

Here's the truth.

I feel like a failure.

I've been telling people that I'm happy since I quit my fucking job, and I'm working towards something I love. I did hate that job, and I do love acting.

But I'm not happy.

And yes, I've done a lot of theater, and taken a lot of classes, and made a lot of contacts, and got an agent. But in 2002, I made $35 from acting.

Not that it's all about the money, but it's at least about making a fucking living. And to do that, I'm faced with doing shitty commercials (assuming I ever get cast in one), or getting a day job.

And I'm trying to get a day job. (Okay, honesty and all, I'm not trying hard enough, but I have tried.) But any job I can imagine myself wanting is either nonexistent, or I don't get it. And I end up getting rejected in incredibly rude ways for jobs I don't even really fucking want, but I have to figure something out, cause the money's fucking running out.

And I'm thirty years old, and not far from being broke, and when I finally figure out something that I actually *want* to do with my life, I'm not sure I can do it.

I have an audition on Tuesday, to get into a grad school acting program. It would be beyond incredible to get in.

I don't think I have any chance to get in. (My guess is they admit a tenth of a percent of applicants.)

I'm not fully prepared for this audition. Because I'm so fucking afraid of it.

You know what I'm afraid of? I'm afraid of getting in, doing three years, having all the skills needed to succeed and then...

Still failing.

Cause I haven't yet convinced myself that I have the talent necessary to be a professional actor. You know how many people have this dream? You know how few of them succeed?

Right now I have excuses.

"I don't have sufficient training."

"Denver isn't a good market, but I don't want to move."

"I don't have good enough contacts."

What if I remove those excuses and I'm still not good enough?

What if they only thing I've ever really wanted will always be beyond me?

So, I use inaction to avoid the possibilities. I sit on my ass doing nothing, ignoring my responsibilities, ignoring my life, trying desperately to escape reality.

When I'm depressed, everything seems to be too big a hassle. There's always tomorrow. And I avoid people, friends, family. I shut them out. Because I see them seeing me as a failure. And I can't stand to tell them I've done nothing, that nothing's happening, and my life is a giant sucking void, and how was your day?

I've been avoiding talking about this stuff in here, because there are now people who read it who are my friends. (Even if I never write anymore. Hey, PenPal. I'm a shit. Sorry.) And I don't talk to my friends about this, I don't want them to see how fucked up I feel right now.

But I need to work on honesty. First and foremost with myself.

And I need to kick my own ass, and get cracking on things. Nothing will come and find me sitting in the basement. I have to go out and get it.

I'm going to try to break out of this depression and self-loathing. But I don't think it's going to come easy.

"Every day, take positive action for the good."

We'll see.

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