No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2010-06-04 - 11:59 p.m.

There is this girl

This probably won't make any sense to you, dear Constant Reader, and for that I apologize. But I need to tell someone what's in my heart tonight, and I dare not share it with anyone who is acquainted with my situation.
Also, I've been drinking.
So � you know � apologies all around.

So, there's this girl�

(Isn't that just always how it starts?)

So, there's this girl. And five weeks ago, she was just that girl who I date briefly in high school and who had friended me on facebook, and well � that's about all. We hadn't seen each other in almost twenty years (jesus-fuck I'm old) and that was pretty much the end of the story.

Then I invited her to my birthday party, and despite a long-ass drive she came. And, long story short, we stayed up all night talking. And the spark I had imagined would have died out over the long, lonely years � turns out it didn't. She'd been the pursuer back in the day (and I don't say that because I'm an egotist, but because � well, that's how it was. I can't explain it any more than you can). But now, of a sudden, I was feeling some spark too.

She'd always been spirited, but when combined with some maturity it became, well, downright sexy.

Anyway, I won't bore you with details. Suffice it to say that there was a whirlwind, and I found myself in the center of it.

Oh, but wait! There's a reversal. (And isn't there always a reversal in the second act?)

There's this guy. (I'm suddenly reminded of The Fantasticks. That'd make more sense if you were me. Just go with me for a moment. It was important back in high school.)

There's this guy. And he's not exactly her boyfriend, but he's damned close. And her kids (I skipped some of the backstory. Widow. Two kids. Long story.) really like him. Things are not great between them. It's easy; it's comfortable; it's better than nothing. Except that she wants to marry and he does not. And he may not exactly be a "boyfriend" but the distinction is easily lost on the casual observer.

So, this is a revelation to me. I believed (or chose to believe, or was led to believe, or whatever) that there was no "boyfriend" or any such person.

But there is.

Then comes a talk that is not quite the delivery of an ultimatum, but not far removed from same. I don't tell her to break up with him, but I make it clear that I cannot date her unless she does. From one perspective it is perfectly reasonable of me. From another it is incredibly selfish.

Moral judgement is left as an exercise for the reader.

Long story short, she breaks up with him. We are officially dating. I see a lot of her. And her kids. Things are really, really good.


Then there comes this week.

There's a mention that the kids are "confused" and "uncomfortable".

There is a cryptic text about "unexpected company until late". And less communication than has become usual. The weekend visit that has become almost expected is suddenly "not a good idea".

Aw, Jesus. I write this out and suddenly I sound like a suspicious jackass.

But, fuck me, she is quiet. Suddenly, for no reason that I can discern, she's quiet. And the last time there was unidentified company it was him. Who's to say it isn't him now?

She said before that he has a way of worming his way back into her life. who's to say he hasn't done so again?

She's quiet. And if she's seeing him, even for the sake of the kids, she's keeping it from me. She's hiding it. Unless I'm a suspicious jackass.


Talk to me. Please. Just talk to me.

If you ...


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