No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-03-05 - 3:47 a.m.

One seriously turbulent weekend

So, it's late and I should be sleeping. What else is new?

Friday was just a day. I hoped that our performance would go better than Thursday, but we had (in part) the world's worst audience. There were a couple of little brats (who turned out to be kids of big wigs) who waved at us, bounced up in down in their chairs, yawned loudly, and generally made a huge nuisance of themselves. Add to that the cell phone that went off during Act I and pretty much the whole cast was distracted. I thought I did alright, but it was not as good a performance as I was hoping for.

Saturday, I slept late, went to lunch with eRoommate at the B&B and then went to jo3 and Ng's wedding shower. This required me to run over to BloodBath and Beyond, admit to someone at the counter that I had no idea how wedding registries work, and Yes, the shower *is* today, I'm just that much of a slacker. On the upside, there was a very cute woman in the towel section who helped me work out some of the wedding shower protocol. I haven't seen much of jo3 lately, so it was pretty cool to see him. By the way, have I mentioned lately that jo3 and Ng are pretty much the world's perfect couple? They amaze me. All in all, for my first real wedding shower, it was not bad. (In the world according to RockGirl, I should have taken her with me. I didn't. Have I mentioned recently that RockGirl and I may not be the world's perfect couple? More on that later.)

Saturday I got a call from Dad to tell me that Grandma was in the hospital. I took a moment to write a get well note and send it. In typical Grandma style, no one knew what she was in for or how serious it was. (This tendency was inherited by Dad, who called me an hour before he went into surgery to let me know that he had prostate cancer. Not very forthcoming on medical details, that side of the family.) I finally called Dad back today to get more details. Something to do with her heart. Probably not serious, but apparently nobody but the doctors know for sure, because Grandma and Grandpa didn't say much, and Dad said even less. So to add to all the rest of the crap that's been going on (see below), I had that little emotional kettle bubbling over all weekend.

Saturday night was closing night for Lear. We had one of the biggest crowds to date, and everyone in the cast was pretty nervous. I myself managed to rise to the challenge pretty well. I actually thought it was one of my best performances. The fight scene in particular went very well. Our fight director was there, and when I talked to him after the show he was very happy with how things went. Other people, however, had some issues with closing night. Lear went up at least three times, and almost blew one scene completely. My only scene with him, he started stumbling big time on one of his lines, so I waited until I was sure that he was hopelessly lost and then cut him off. Cornwall had an even bigger save. Lear skipped ahead in a scene, so Cornwall followed. Then Lear jumped back, and poor Cornwall had about twenty seconds to figure out how to cover. In that time, he invented his own Shakespearean line that covered perfectly and fit in really well. It was pretty much the cover of the century.

So after the show, we struck the set, and then went to the cast party. I really enjoyed the cast party and would have liked to stay until the bitter end. Unfortunately, I had to leave early. See, RockGirl was out dancing with her friends, and left me a message saying that she was coming to my house as soon as the clubs closed. (Can you say bootie call? I knew that you could.) I didn't have a chance to tell her that it was extremely inconvenient for me, so I just had to go home early so I could let her in. It's not like I'm going to see some of these people again any time soon. Besides there's just something about a wrap party that you don't want to ever end. It's a great feeling. Leaving early is just not part of the game plan, you know?

Sunday, after a very small amount of sleep, I had rehearsal for CowPlace. When I got home from that, I was supposed to go down to RockGirl's for dinner and a movie. (Anyone wanna guess whether or not she asked me if that's what I wanted to do, or if she just assumed that I would do what she wanted? Don't bother.) Anyway, I bailed on her. I was so freaking tired, and all I wanted to do was sit in front of the tv and go to bed.

Tonight I had another rehearsal. I wasn't wanting to go, but I'm glad I did. I'm only an understudy, and I was guessing that I was just going to sit and watch the whole time. But one of the cast members couldn't make it because his back went out, and I filled in for him. I didn't know any of his lines, but I managed to fake through pretty well. None of the other understudies were there. I think I'm creating a reputation at this place as a reliable guy. Kind of the go-to guy. It's gratifying, even if I don't get much stage time.

So, today when I talked to RockGirl she was incredibly pissed at me, but wouldn't admit it. She just said that it was a bad day. Hinted that if she was still feeling like this tomorrow she might not go to work. Pretty much laid on the guilt pretty thick. Asked me to blow off rehearsal tomorrow night to go to Moveable Feast. Generally, she was in passive aggressive mode. Not that I wasn't. Cause, really, I'm still kind of pissed about Saturday night.

I was talking to ChefsKey on Saturday, and I told him that things weren't the greatest between RockGirl and I. I think the way I put it is that I'm trying to re-define the boundaries someplace where I can feel comfortable. And I'm watching her frustrations build up. And I know it'll have to come to a head soon. We'll have to have it out and see where all the pieces land. She's pushing hard, and I'm resisting. I hope there's a middle ground somewhere, but I'm starting to think that there's not.

I never wanted to pull away like this. I never wanted to withdraw. And I know that I'm withdrawing. I don't know how to talk to her about it. Cause I know as soon as I do, as soon as we really have it out, I'll have to tell her that I don't care for her the way she cares for me. Which is not to say that I don't care for her, because I do. But from where I stand, it looks like she's falling hard, and I don't much feel like I'm falling at all.

I know I'm going to hurt her.

I don't want to, but I almost feel like it's inevitable now.

The guilt is killing me, and so I don't want to have the confrontation. But I know that the longer I put it off, the worse it's going to be when it does happen.

It's going to be ugly. I feel like such a shit.

I'm going to be busy the next couple of days. I'll try to let you know what happens.

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