No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-06-01 - 11:25 a.m.

bored now

so what's the minimum required time on a job before i can officially hate it? do i need to be here six months? do i need to "give it a chance"? do i need to have a real reason besides i just hate working right now?

see i'm an ungrateful bastard. i'm lucky to have a job at all what with the "Current Economic Climate" and my last company going tits up with no warning. and let me just say one more time to CluelessBossMan1 and CluelessBossMan2 thanks ever so very much for keeping our impending financial disaster secret from all us worker bees until it was time to say "good work. you're all fired". that was very, very trusting and humanitarian of you. oh wait, no, it was just really sh*tty. that's right.

but i digress. i should be overjoyed, ecstatic and quivery to have this job. and i'm glad i have a job. i really am. i just hate it. that's all.

i don't fit in here. i'm definitely the low geek on the totem pole. all the dudes here can say things like "Fully re-entrant polymorphic Model-View-Controller Paradigm" and not only know what the hell it means but actually mean it. whereas i can sit here for half an hour saying "./example.sh: No such file or directory? what the hell do you mean ./example.sh: No such file or directory? it's right the hell there. i know because i just put it right the hell there."

see it just don't get it. what's more i don't much want to get it. i want to show up and do something for eight hours, then get the hell out of here and play guitar and drink red wine and do fun things. i don't want to spend my time doing "Risk Reduction" and "Code Reviews".

i'm starting to think i don't really like my career.

but who the hell am i to not like it? i got immensely lucky and stumbled my sorry ass into a career where they pay me ridiculous sums (i'm actually embarassed when i get my check) to do stuff that i enjoy. but see i don't actually enjoy it anymore. but who am i to walk away from ALL THAT MONEY? when other people say it i can actually hear the capital letters. ALL THAT MONEY. TwinSis would understand. she got a fer-god's-sake PhD and she wants to teach high school now. she understands wanting to contribute and seeking your passion. of course she's got TallBrotherInLaw to support her. me i've got me, myself and i to support me and my decadant lifestyle. and i've got my future to think of, and retirement savings, and all those little rug rats to support if i could ever find a woman to make them with.

but i digress again.

the point is that i should be grateful to be where i am. but i'm not. i'm just bored.

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