No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-05-20 - 10:38 a.m.

Upcoming Anniversary

So for once I'm not here to tell you about all the crap going on in my life. For once, I'm actually going to talk about stuff that's going on inside me and crap like that. You see, I just realized this morning that in a scant ten days, I'll have been writing in this journal for a year.

Huh. A year.

Who'd a thunk it?

I have all these plans for renovating the design. New look. New images. New links. Move SmogMonkey off the front page (because we haven't heard from him much in the past six months or so have we? That's a good thing). Of course, I've been planning to archive the older page for months and have never gotten around to it. What with all the classes and shows, and moving in two weeks and all that, I think the chances of me doing said renovation soon are pretty slim.

Hell, I wanted to do a retrospective entry to mark the anniversary too, but I'm guessing that'll only happen if I have real bad insomnia some night. Speaking of which, I've been sleeping pretty well in the past week or so. I'm getting lots of exercise to that might be helping.

While writing this I just got a call about an audition I was trying to sign up for. No more slots available. Bugger all.

Anyway, I think the point of this entry is that I just want to take a sec and reflect on what this diary has meant to me. I read a ton of diaries now, and several of them have been nominated for or won awards. I admire and respect that. I want to aspire to that. I know I have that kind of writing in me. I know it's hard to believe sometimes, but I know I'm a good writer.

But that's not what this journal is about. I don't write here to try to be a better writer (though it doesn't hurt to stretch the muscles at least a little bit). I write here to try to be a better person. This is my therapy. This is how I work things out. This diary and the community of on-line diarists has become an important part of my life. It's a way for me to vomit out the nastiness in my life that would otherwise make me sick (or *more* sick).

In another way, it's a way to feel worthwhile for the right reasons. I don't have a huge gaggle of readers, but I have a handful of people who I know check in on a regular basis. With two exceptions, none of them even know what I look like. There are a million details about me that all my RL friends know that have never graced these pages. In here I am often closer to the worst of myself than the best. Here you

see more of my selfishness, and pettyness, and galaxy-loads of self-doubt and self-loathing. But if you like me for all of that, then you like me for who I *really* am, just as I am.

I'm not saying this well. But the point is that it's important to me. It's an empowering thing.

It's good.

So anyway, if I don't get around to saying it on the actual anniversary, thanks my beloved D-Land. It's

been a great year, and I'm glad we met.

There's a guy I met recently, who's very genuine, very honest, and very generous. This is the way he says goodbye. I want to be able to say it with the same sincerity he does.

Be present. Be well. Namiste.

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