No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-05-03 - 12:54 a.m.

Baby Steps, and the longest entry ever


Where to begin?

I really need to keep updating often, because when i don't there's just too much to cover.

More class to go to every night. Hair pulls and chokes in stage combat. Fun. I got to hear the phrase "the best thing to do with an aikido person is to shoot them with a rifle, because if they touch you, you're in trouble." in reference to me. Not that I'm actually that dangerous (especially after a two plus year layoff), but I didn't let anyone in on that.

Tuesday night late RockGirl came over. Things have been pretty good between us. I think she feels relieved because she's "figured out" what was up with me the past few weeks. I'm not

convinced she has it all figured out, and I'm damned sure we still need to work on our communications, but things are actually pretty good right now. I still feel like a heel for how I

treated her. I'm still kinda scared shitless by this relationship and where we are, more so

by thoughts of where we might be going. But I've made a very important shift in my mind. I'm no longer thinking of this relationship as temporary. Something to do until someone better comes along. I'm trying hard to think of this relationship, not in terms of "forever", but

in terms of "as long as it will last". Baby Steps.

Wednesday night was camera night at acting workshop. By the end of the night I wanted to have my eyebrows surgically removed. When I talk to people they sit there unobstrusively. When I'm in my "Hey look at all the acting going on over here" mode they scamper around my forehead like fuzzy caterpillars on speed. The last scene we did I looked like Boris Karloff on lithium (hmmm...what's with all the drug references?), but my eyebrows *did* *not* *move*. I took it as a victory. Again, Baby Steps.

Today I took off from work. Called in, not exactly sick, but "exhausted and feeling crappy". I figure I'm a contractor and they'll probably be booting me soon anyway. I don't care enough about this job, but I'm not letting that bother me. It was a nice day. I sat around, played video games, took a two-hour nap, pulled out a *really* old sci-fi compilation book and

read for a bit. I did *not* do many of the things on my ToDo list, but what I really needed

was a day off, just for me. They're kinda few and far between these days.

Tonight was rehearsal for the staged reading. We *still* don't have all the roles cast. Or, rather, we did, but then someone showed up for the first time, and then bailed on the whole

show after half an hour. Professionalism? Hello?I'm rather nervous about this show coming off. There's a lot of things that are slipping through the cracks. RiverLady (our director, and the author) needs to take a little more charge. She's being overly nice because she's not paying anyone. I had a little heart-to-heart with her after everyone else left. I told her to be a little more authoritative. It's comforting to actors to know that someone's in charge and has their shit together (even if they don't). I told her that a good decision today is better than the perfect decision tomorrow. She's a great writer, but is looking kind of green as a director. I tried to give her my perspective, and say what I thought would help. I told her that I've never directed, so I wasn't realy sure how to do it. She said "I'm sure you'll be great when you do." It was the "when"

that killed me. I'm amazed when people assume success for me. I don't know.

Anyway, it's going to be a crazy week coming up. First, tomorrow night jo3, Ng, RockGirl and I are going to go see Bob Mould. I keep telling everyone that with all this excitement, and they look at me and say "Bob who?". Even RockGirl! (Which was almost enough to shake my newly-rediscovered commitment thing.) Back me up here Jim. Bob is the man. End of story.

Saturday is BigSis' big event here in Denver. She hasn't recruited me to help out (and though I gladly would have, at the same time Thank God, because I don't have the time), but I'm going to drop by for a while. Then it's just errands and crap, and maybe recruiting some folks to go see Spidey. Sunday morning I'm starting yet *another* acting class. More stage combat, this time in swashbuckling. I really, really, really can't afford to start yet another class, and I expected RockGirl to kick my ass for even mentioning it, but as soon as I told her what the class was, she not only approved my doing it, but started trying to warp her schedule so she could take it. (snicker) Monday I start Broadsword. Which means that I'll have class Sunday through Thursday of every week for the next month.

Oh yeah, and next Wednesday I'm going to turn 30. I'm just going to keep saying that every day and see if I can deal with it. I have no idea when I'm going to celebrate it, as I'll be

in rehearsal, but hey, whatever.

Okay, this is like the longest entry ever, and I need to sleep.Peace, I'm outta here.

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