2002-12-11 - 2:46 p.m.
oh boy, this one's not good.
I sometimes wonder if depression is not just a thing that I have sometimes, but a thing that afflicts me.
I don't feel good. I don't feel worthwhile. I don't have motivation, or energy, or desire.
I spend a lot of time hating myself.
Monday was a good day. I looked for a job (though, of course I didn't find one). I worked out. I wrote. I felt good about myself.
Then Monday night the shit-storm descended. And all that momentum (oooh, one good day's worth) was lost and I got thrown off-track again.
See, cause, several things have occurred to me today.
ShyGirl is very much like the image I have of DreamGirl. Not exactly, mind you, but on that nebulous list of pre-requisites, she met a lot of them. And I was still holding out hope. But now she's moving in with FuckFace, and I have to write the whole thing off completely, or I'll go nuts.
The whole RockGirl/OWG thing is just disturbing to me. Because I knew there was something going on between them even while I was dating RockGirl. Not like something going on, but something under the surface.
I knew there were things she kept from me. Big things. I even knew there were things about her and OWG that she was keeping from me.
What it comes down to now is that I don't trust her. I don't. And I don't want to see her ruin OWG's life. Cause I can see it happening. And it's not like it's all her fault. OWG has his own self-destructive tendencies to deal with. But she's an enabler.
when i'm in a bad spot, like i am now, i can't wait for each day to be over. the day is a burden. something to be endured. but it's not like the next one will be better.
and i just keep putting things off. everything, everything, everything.
i just don't want to think. i don't want to feel.
i want to take a long hot shower and pretend that at the end of that i'll be a worthwhile person.
i talked to dad briefly last night. when he asked what's been up i didn't have much to tell him. not that he cares. i didn't want to talk about the fact that i'm still unemployed. i know that he disapproves.
when i talk to mom about being unemployed she also disapproves, but she at least wants to help. too much, it seems to me.
when i talk to my sisters they just support me.
i know that i have my sisters' approval and love. i always will. that's what's so great about them.
i know that i'll always have mom's love, if not always approval.
i know that dad will sometimes recognize me as his son. i guess that he loves me, though it may be more my projection of how a father should feel, than anything evidenced by his actions.
as for approval? who the hell knows?
so why do i crave it so much?