No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-09-30 - 11:21 a.m.

Ooh, look. More woman-inspired angst.

We had a critic at the show on Friday night. The crowd was quiet. We did not rise above the quiet audience, we got sucked down by it. The show was iffy, not our best effort. There were dropped lines, and even a missed entrance.

Saturday night we had a big, energetic audience. They brought us up to their level and then we went further. It was a great show.

Someday we'll figure out how to play at the same level regardless of the audience. It's harder than it sounds.


Saturday night we went out. I had almost fifteen people come to see the show, so we had a huge crowd afterwards. In the midst of the sitting down, ordering beer craziness, Otter pulled a Houdini. I was worried that she might be mad at me. I got an email from her yesterday saying she was just flashing back to that junior high "I'm not a part of the cool kids" mentality. Which is so untrue. We all like her and enjoy hanging out with her. She's not the most outgoing person, and she tends to wallflower on us. The problem with our group is that we're all actors. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Actors tend to have enough personality for two or three. You get five, ten actors together, and I'm sure Miss Cleo starts getting a headache. In the midst of all this, poor Otter doesn't keep up. Not because she can't. Because she *believes* she can't.


So also Saturday night, C and I were talking about ShyGirl. There's more to the story than I alluded to last time. See, it is true that ShyGirl has a boyfriend. But she's not happy in the relationship. She loves him, but she doesn't think he loves her. It seems they don't get along very well. Her friends were very vocal about the fact that she's in a bad relationship and that they think she should get out of it. (Part of this may be because they've decided they like me, and want her to be with me instead. I told you it was complicated.) ShyGirl is a self-described serial monogamist, and admitted that she is afraid to be alone. She's bounced from relationship to relationship and hasn't been really alone relationship-wise since she was 19.

And she has a crush on me. I suspected it before Friday night (based on something BoBo said) but I wasn't sure. Now I am.

I like her. But I feel like I hardly know her. (And what is up with people anyway? Where are these women coming from? Before RockGirl I spent years (Years!) alone with pretty much *nobody* being attracted to me. I don't get it, and it's making me nervous. I don't know Otter or ShyGirl very well, and I know they can't know me all that well, why do they like me? How much can they know about me? I'm not an easy guy to get to know. I have defenses. Serious defenses. (Not as serious as RockGirl think they are, but not trivial either.) I'm sorry, I just don't get it. I know it sounds stupid to be complaining about this, but it's just throwing my whole "Alone, alone, you're gonna die alone" world view out of whack.)

Anyway, with all that background in mind, the conversation I had with C breaks down to this.

C: You should ask her out.

Me: She has a boyfriend.

C: So? She's not married. She's not engaged. She's still on the market.

Me: Yes, but she has a *boyfriend*. I don't do that.

C: Why not? Just ask her out.

Me: I would, except for her *boyfriend*.

It went on like this for quite a while. Finally, C was able to express his point to me in a way that I could understand. His point is this: ShyGirl is afraid to be alone. She'll stay in a bad relationship rather than be alone. So, it's not like I can wait for them to break up to make my move, because they may never break up if she thinks she has no options. C contends that I need to make some kind of effort now, to let her know that I'm interested, that she has an option. Then she might break up with the dude. But not before.

Which is a way of looking at it that I hadn't considered before. So I'm torn. Because I kind of still feel like that would be wrong. I'm not the kind of person to tear up a relationship. I don't approve of that kind of behavior.

On the other hand, I like her, but I feel like I hardly know her. I would like to be her friend, if nothing else. So I can just try to be her friend, just get to know her. Then see what happens.

But that last sentence leads me to suspect my motives. It's a good story, but if I'm still hoping for the break up so I can swoop in, then what's to say I didn't *cause* the break up.

Okay obviously I have a lot of doubts. I'm kind of still a mess, and I feel like a dork. I told Otter that I wasn't ready for a relationship after RockGirl. That's probably true. But I've also got enough of the "I'm never going to find anyone" mind set that I'm loathe to let an opportunity pass me by.

And, damn I need to have a talk with Otter and make sure we're okay. Because in the midst off all this craziness, it's becoming apparent that Otter and I aren't going to happen. And I need to make sure that I make that clear, and that I haven't been an asshole. Which I probably have.


Okay, I need to quit for a while and look for a job.

Hosted by my beloved DLand
Sign My Guestbook!�� powered by SignMyGuestbook.com