No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-07-12 - 10:59 a.m.

I shouldn't go to weddings anymore.

Last night RockGirl and I went to a wedding. The drummer and the bassist from CandleMan's band (both awesome, awesome, salt of the earth people) were marrying each other. I got to see a whole bunch of friends who I haven't seen in way too long. Which was great.

We danced, and I had a great time dancing. It came to me during dancing to Dead Or Alive's "Right Round" that suddenly *I'm* one of those people.

You know, when you're a teenager, and you go to a wedding, and you see those thirty-something folks out there with their guts and their "I'm still young, dammit" haircuts, and they're dancing to some song that was hip when they were in high school, and they're dancing like crazy, but they look ridiculous. Those people.

I'm one of those people. Very depressing thought.


Okay, I am not allowed to go to weddings anymore. I love weddings. I love seeing two people who are *so* in love making all those promises and just being in love. And I cry. Almost every time. And I sit there and I think about Forever.

Because I want Forever. I want the Gold Standard. I want the fairy tales, and the Princess Bride, and the whole enchilada. I want that.

I don't have that with RockGirl. And I sat there in that wedding and thought about how I don't have that with RockGirl. Because I don't love her.

And she stayed over last night, and she was very, err um, frisky, and I asked her if we could not do that. Cause I know what it means to her, and if I had I would have been lying. From the Crucible "Spoken or silent, a promise is surely made in any bed".

I couldn't do it and be honest. But I also couldn't seem to make myself say what I was feeling. But I need to. Soon.

I'm trying. I'm really trying to make this work. To hold onto the best thing that has happened to me in a long, long time.

But, dammit, I still want Forever. And I don't see myself settling for less.

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